I Looked and Only Saw Myself
by Whisper2AScream
Summary: Sometimes the greatest evil you must confront is the evil in your own soul.  A lesson that Xander is about to learn. (AU), (W/O, W/X)
1. Prologue

"I Looked and Saw Only Myself"  
by Whisper2AScream  
  
Rating: PG-13 for dark horrific content and language  
Spoilers: Early Third Season. (AU Some events didn't take place.)  
Disclaimer: Buffy and the Scooby Gang belong to the genius known as Joss, Mutant Enemy, WB Networks, Kuzui Productions, and Twentieth Century Fox Studios. No infringement is intended. Only the story belongs to me, and my own twisted imagination. Not getting a red cent out of this. So, just enjoy, and I promise to return the characters I borrowed better than new. Takes place, uh I guess, third season. The clothes fluke did indeed happen, and Willow's still with Oz, barely, but Xander and Cordy are kaput. Also no Faith, (Sorry) and no Wesley. (And there was much rejoicing. 'Yay.') Angel's around sort of, but elsewhere. The spotlight's on Xander and Willow mainly. Also, heads-up folks, this one is _dark_. You want light fluff, go elsewhere. This story drips with angst. It's even darker than most Buffy episodes. You have been warned, now on with the show.  
  
The screams and moans of torment were not only heard, but felt, in the smoke, the stones, and the ice in the lowest circle of the dimension most humans today would call Hell. Pain was the flames searing flesh, despair was the chains that victims strained against. The demons drank in the tears and blood as their sustenance, sucked on the tortured souls. The fact that the people could free themselves if they wanted to was beside the point. Dreams of freedom died and decomposed quicker than their physical bodies did. Heaven was an impossibility; the closest to such things were the blessed lull in the seconds between the torment. But even that was all too brief.   
The demon who was once called the Master strolled past a group of people who were slowly being pulled in several directions. Their bodies would eventually rip apart, only to recombine just as painfully as they were separated, only to have the horrible sequence repeat, over and over again. These were those who picked apart their friends and enemies with gossip and slander, selling them out, and betraying them in the name of ambition. The demon smiled a moment, one figure was once a woman with blond hair, and he was reminded of the Slayer. Oh, he could still taste the sweet flavor of her blood, so ripe and fresh with power. Only Slayers held such a heady potion. She was to be his prize, his key to unlock the Hellmouth, and bring Hell to Earth. But instead, she was somehow saved. That mortal boy! He never should have saved her, but he did. The demon snarled in memory, clenching his fist, the claws cutting into his flesh, but the pain was welcoming. He studied the damned souls a moment longer, and a plan formed in his mind. He would have revenge upon the boy, and he knew just how to do it. The boy shall be ripped apart like these pitiful creatures. Only his case will be a permanent severing. The former Master smiled evilly. He shall have vengeance indeed.  



	2. Chapter 1

"Ah, the yummy and creamy goodness of a Twinkie!" Xander happily, just seconds before he crammed the whole processed dessert in his mouth.  
"Xander! Ick! Haven't you seen that experiment on the Internet? The one where Twinkies were proven to not be food or even edible?" Willow said, as she stuck her tongue out in disgust.  
"Seem edible enough to me," he replied, though it came out more, "Shem em-mm nnnn oo e." Years of knowing Xander allowed Willow to translate the "Stuffed Face Speak."  
"I'll have to agree with Will here. Ever read the ingredients? What the heck is Polysobri-whatever, and why would you want that kind of stuff in your body?" Buffy added, her own disgust apparent as she swirled a spoon in her yogurt.  
"I'll have you know Twinkies and Ho-Ho's are in one of the major food groups." Xander sniffed, and then licked the bits of cream off of his fingers.  
"Which one, the Fake Food group?" Buffy asked. Xander just shook his head, and his hand snaked out to grab a fry from Willow's plate. She slapped his hand away, but at his wounded puppy look, she just sighed, and with a small smile, slid her tray closer to Xander. He grinned and dove in hungrily.  
Buffy shook her head, still wondering how he could eat so much, yet still stay skinny. Only her Slayer metabolism helped her from having huge hips. She spooned up some yogurt, and continued eating her lunch.  
Willow's head perked up, as she caught a disturbing presence in the cafeteria. "Hey, Snyder alert!"   
Xander also glanced over, noting the other students giving him a wide berth, "Great, what dastardly deeds is the Trollman planning now?" He grimaced as he saw Snyder was heading for _their_ table. Then a piece of food flew past the Principal's nose. Larry was up to his old tricks again. Snyder quickly turned, and cornered his new victim. The whole table gave a sigh of relief at the danger abated.  
"Um, so Buffy, anything big happen last night?" Willow then asked.  
"Not much. I came, I saw, I slayed. Just the usual." Buffy shrugged indifferently.   
"Ah, the Slayer's exciting nightlife." Xander said, "Glad to see the end of the world isn't coming again."  
"Not yet anyway. Giles wanted to meet with me later. More practice. He said something about trying new techniques." Buffy said, and then checked her watch, "In fact, I should get going. Got a physics test to fail."  
"Buffy, you're not going to fail. What about all that studying we did last weekend?" Willow said.  
"Uh, Will? Remember? That creepy janitor? Demonic Mr. Clean on rampage?" Buffy reminded her of when they tried to study at the library.  
"Oh, yeah." Willow said sadly, and then brightened for a moment, "Well, good luck."  
"You have my sympathies, Buff. Got a Trig test to bomb on, myself. Later, ladies." Xander nodded his goodbye as he left. He didn't see the pair of eyes in the darkness following him, calculating, planning.  



	3. Chapter 2

At the Bronze, the Dingoes were finishing up their set as Willow and Xander looked on. Buffy was busy with yet another patrol. From their table, Xander could see Cordy nearby, flirting with one of the football players. Their gazes locked for a second, and both turned away angrily. He then turned back to Willow. She looked really beautiful tonight in a green v-neck blouse and dark, mid-thigh length skirt that flattered her figure, accentuating her legs perfectly. Her face bore the faintest traces of makeup, such that it looked as if she wasn't wearing makeup. Xander found himself leaning toward her, his hand reaching and grabbing her hand.   
It took a moment for her to notice him trying to kiss her, and she cried, "Xander! You're fluking!"   
He leaned back in surprise, "Oh, right. Sorry. Bad habits." He then looked down at his fingers, and saw they were now entwined with Willow's. Tightly. "Uh, Will?" She turned, and at his gesturing, noticed where her hand was.  
"Oh!" She pulled her hand away, though Xander could sense some reluctance at breaking contact. "I'm sorry." Her face held a pained expression, wishing for things to be different. She always loved Xander, but she was with Oz, and she didn't want to hurt his feelings. Once, when the fluking was happening, was bad enough. Though in her heart, she knew it wasn't fluking. When she was with Xander, everything just seemed right. She wondered if he felt the same. But, she had Oz, and she didn't want to hurt him. Though, his band had been giving him flak for missing practice. They knew about her, but they didn't know about his hairy time of the month. So, they blamed her for making him miss practice. Sometimes, she had a feeling that he would have to choose between the band and her, and then she would lose. She felt confused and the confusion didn't leave when they left later for home.   
  
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The three of them were in the alley behind the club, and the instruments had just been packed away in the van. As they got ready to leave, a growl could be heard. Xander turned and saw a vampire coming for him.  
"Vengeance for the Master!" it shrieked, and Xander caught a silvery flash in its hand. He crouched, and went to punch the undead creature, but as his uppercut landed, he gasped as he felt the sharp blade bite into his chest. He sank to his knees, and from a distance he could hear Willow screaming his name. An echoing scream overlapped it, a primal cry of pain that didn't sound human. Xander was surprised to realize it was emerging from his own throat. He felt as though he was falling, falling forever into an abyss. But as he fell, he felt knives cutting into him, cutting into his soul, ripping him in two. He screamed again, and the pain followed him into the darkness.  
Willow screamed as the vampire drove the odd dagger into Xander. Something inside her snapped, and she suddenly narrowed her eyes as a long stick of wood flew out of a nearby trashcan, and slammed through the vampire's heart. It barely had a chance to realize what had happened before it disappeared in a cloud of dust. Oz, who was coming after the vampire, stopped at this sight, and stared at her in shock. She then sank to her knees in despair and exhaustion, and wept openly at the sight of the wound.   
Oz knelt down by him as well, and checked his pulse. It was weak, but still present. He went to check the wound, and started. The knife had disappeared, and the wound had stopped bleeding. However, the wound had now taken the appearance of a dark maw against Xander's pale skin. He reached over, and touched Willow once. She gazed at him for a moment, and he was scared. Her eyes looked so empty. He got up, and went to call for an ambulance, still staring at her dead eyes.   
When Oz left, Willow felt like she was dead. The blade had killed Xander, but it may as well pierced her heart as well. The fact that she had avenged him gave no comfort. She was numb, except inside her soul was still screaming. She could still hear it as she soon after fell into unconsciousness.  
Oz came back and saw her lying by him. "Willow!" he cried and ran over to her. He knelt by her, and gently rolled her onto her back. She was still breathing, but it was shallow, and her skin was clammy. She was going into shock. He took off his jacket, and wrapped her in it, whispering, "Hang on, baby, hang on." He was still whispering when he heard the sirens shriek into the alley.  



	4. Chapter 3

The next day, Buffy and Giles entered the hospital. Oz met them in the waiting room.  
"Thank God you came," he said. Buffy could that his eyes were red and puffy from crying.  
"How are they?" she asked softly.  
He sighed, "Willow's ok, sort of. She's up, but she's still weak. Xander, though, still hasn't woken up."  
"Dear Lord," Giles murmured. "Can we see them?" Oz dimly nodded. He looked ready to collapse himself. Buffy looked him over.  
"Have you gotten any sleep yet?" He vaguely shook his head. "All right. You go home, and rest. Then, you can come back, " before he could protest, Buffy sternly said, "We'll be here. And my mom's stopping in later. Mrs. Rosenberg's on her way back. We'll keep you informed."  
"Thanks," he replied quietly. Buffy took a good look at his face. He seemed to have aged a couple of years in a day. He said goodbye to them and headed for home.  
  
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He was somewhere, though it seemed like it was really nowhere, but that's impossible. It had to be somewhere, right? Somewhere exists. It can't be nowhere, because nothing exists in nowhere. He turned around, and he could hear it. Laughter. But this laughter sounded horrible, like Satan himself was amused about something. He turned around again, and saw a mirror. He walked toward it. At first, it was just himself reflected. Then, a shimmery haze appeared on the glass surface, and the reflection shifted and warped. Then, he gasped at the sight of the Master's face staring before him. "Revenge," the reflection's lips whispered, and then the image shifted again. It was himself, but he never looked like this. His outfit was black. Black boots with a black shirt, long leather coat, and black leather pants. His eyes were black, not brown, and they held a faint glow of red on the edges of the iris. And these eyes held the promise of violence, of torture, of slow death. Also, something about seeing himself like this, reminded him of his father, and that frightened Xander even more. He backed away in horror, as his reflection smiled cruelly at him. It then stepped forward, and emerged through the frame.  
"Hello, wuss. The Xandman says, it's playtime." his other self still smiled, a smile promising death. He screamed again as another wave of pain washed over him. Another rip, another tear. The severing had time before it would be complete, and before then the Master would hear the boy beg for mercy. And that would be music to his ears.  



	5. Chapter 4

Buffy went into Xander's room, while Giles went to check on Willow. She gasped at the sight before her. He was asleep, but his hands were grasping, no, clawing the sheets for support, and his face was distorted in silent screaming.   
"My God," she whispered as she stared. She gently went over to shake him, and felt a deathlike grip on her throat. It was Xander's hand, and his eyes were open, but she had never seen an expression like this in his face. Not even when he was possessed by the hyena's spirit.  
"You bitch! You should have gone with me, not that whiny undead wimp!" he snarled.   
"Xander, stop! This isn't you!" she gasped. She was starting to see black shapes form on the edges of her sight due to the lack of oxygen. *Forgive me, Xander.* she thought, and punched a quick blow to his right jaw. He sank back, and fell back asleep. She gasped ragged breaths, her lungs screaming for air. She rubbed her bruised throat as she studied him a moment. She backed away from the bed, and hurried to where Giles was.  
Giles was sitting by Willow's bedside, and Willow looked… Well, if Oz had aged a few years, she had aged decades. Buffy could almost swear she saw the thinnest strand of gray lying against the auburn waves. Her eyes looked hollow, like she wasn't even there.  
"Giles," Buffy said, and by her tone, Giles could tell it was serious. She gestured for him to come out to the hall with her. He nodded, and got up.  
"I'll be back in a moment, Willow," he said softly to her. He gently stroked her hair, his brow furrowed with concern at her almost lack of response. He then went back out into the hallway. Buffy beckoned him over to a side enclave for a private discussion.  
"How is she?" Buffy asked.  
He sighed, "She's awake, and responsive to a degree. Physically. Psychologically, however, she seems to have suffered severe trauma. It's as though our Willow isn't even there. Just a shell." He sniffed a bit and wiped his eyes at tears forming there. Buffy laid a comforting hand on his shoulder.  
"You going to be okay?" she asked concernedly.  
He nodded, "I'll have to. It's just, I've never had a child, but I've come to think of you, and Willow like daughters."  
She smiled a little, "I know. " At some degree, she had noticed how paternal her Watcher had come to be. As fiercely protective of her as Buffy's own mother, and just as afraid for her every night she had to go patrol for vampires and demons. Her expression hardened, as she remembered what she wanted to tell him. "Giles, I've been to see Xander." She showed him her throat, still red in patches. His eyes widened in shock.  
"Dear Lord, what happened?"  
"Well, he wasn't awake, and he was suffering from a Freddy Krueger-intense kind of nightmare. When I went to wake him, he went postal. And his eyes, Giles," Buffy looked up at her watcher, with very real fear in her eyes, "His eyes had such an intense look of evil in them. He's never been like this." Buffy shook her head, still not quite believing what's happening. Giles's eyes narrowed, and he strode into Xander's room. He started at seeing Xander asleep, but having a far from restful sleep. The sheets were twisted around him, and Giles could see the sweat glistening on his forehead from the strain. He then let loose a primal howl of pure pain. Giles had heard that sound before, back in his rebellious youth. Eyghon had not been the only demon their group had summoned. There was one who almost killed Ethan, in fact, he was very different afterwards, as though the demon still remained, only suppressed. When the demon tried to consume his soul while it possessed him, Ethan had made a scream like Xander's. A cry that did not sound human, but made anyone who heard it weep in fear.  
"God in heaven, help us." he whispered. He wasn't usually this religious. He attended church in his native England, growing up, but he was far from devout. But circumstances like this would make anyone pray, hoping that God can combat something so terrifying.   
"Let go of me!!!" Xander then howled. He panted a few times, blinking rapidly. Giles approached him slowly.   
"Xander?" Giles wondered. Xander's eyes turned toward him, at first not truly seeing him. The eyes of a trapped wild animal, terrified. He then blinked a bit slower.  
"Giles?" he asked slowly, his voice that of a frightened child who wants to be reassured that the bogeyman was not really under his bed. Giles wordlessly nodded. Xander gasped a few times, and looked around, seeing his surroundings for the first time. "Where am I?" He then looked further, "Where's Willow?" Giles gently laid a hand on his shoulder, and Xander jerked back in surprise at the contact like he had been shocked. *What hell has this boy been through?* Giles thought, afraid as he withdrew his hand.  
He inhaled and exhaled deeply, keeping his voice soothing, and calm to reassure the boy, "Willow's in the other room. You'll see her soon enough. Now, what happened?"  
Xander breathed a few times to calm down, "I'm not sure. ...We were leaving the Bronze, and something..." He jerked, and clenched his fists as more pain consumed him, "attacked me. Aaaaghhhh! Stop it! Let me go!" He inhaled sharply as a sibilant sounding voice hissed in his mind, *Give it up, you wimp. I don't need you anymore. It's my turn now.* "Nooo!" he cried, and then his eyes changed. He looked back at Giles, and the Watcher sucked in his breath at the boy's eyes. The look of pure evil in his eyes seemed out of place on the boy's face. "Hello Giles. Shame you had to become such a tight-assed old pansy. We could have had fun together, but I guess you'll have to go too." He smiled but it came out more as though he was snarling. He then reached for Giles, but a strange light appeared in Giles's eyes. He punched the boy out cold.  
"Sorry, Xander." he whispered. He then noticed the wound on the boy's chest. He reached down and pulled back on the shirt a little. The wound was a dark throbbing maw, and it seemed to be growing. *Oh my God. Xander, what has happened to you? * Something he vaguely remembering reading on this text suddenly popped into his head. *No, not that. It can't be! * Greatly disturbed now, he gently rearranged the shirt the way it was before, and left. There was a doctor coming in. Giles's eyes narrowed, "Where the hell were you? This boy is gravely ill!" he growled.  
The doctor calmly replied, "I have a lot of patients to treat, and we're currently understaffed. Also, there's little that can be done for this one. His physical wounds are minor apparently. Everything else stems from a psychological trauma, and I can't treat that. I think having him committed is a strong possibility."  
"A mental hospital is no place for him. I will not allow it." Giles sternly replied, and stormed out. The doctor shook his head, and went to check his patient.  



	6. Chapter 5

Meanwhile, Giles hurried back to where Buffy was. She had the saddest look on her face. She glanced up upon hearing his approach. Her eyes were red from crying, and her cheeks were still wet.  
"Giles, this is my fault. I should have gotten to them sooner. I could have protected them from this." she cried softly. Giles went up to her, and embraced her, hushing her as she sobbed into his shoulder.  
"Buffy, you had duties elsewhere. You can't protect everyone. Think of all the people you have saved."  
"Yeah, great. I can defend complete strangers, but I can't help my friends, my family!" she bitterly said. "If that damn Weador demon hadn't held me up, I could have stopped the attack."  
Giles stepped back, and kept his hands on her shoulders, looked her in the eyes, "Buffy, you mustn't dwell on the 'what-ifs?' They were aware of the danger. And if my suspicions are correct, nothing you could have done, would have prevented this. This may have been a deliberate attack on Xander."  
"What? What do you mean?" she wondered.  
"When Oz called me, he mentioned a vampire attacking Xander with a dagger, with an unusually shaped blade. However, after Xander was stabbed, the knife mysteriously vanished, leaving a dark wound behind. I pray to God I'm wrong, but it sounds like the Dagger of Malechior. I'll have to check my books to confirm it, but if so... Xander's condition is far graver than we can imagine. And he won't have much time left. In fact, it may already be too late to save him." Giles' face was tense with worry and fear.  
"Why, what does this dagger do?"  
"It is believed that whoever suffers an attack via the dagger, will slowly and painfully have their soul severed in two, thus guaranteeing a slow and agonizing death to the victim."   
Buffy's eyes widened in horror, "Oh my God. No. Giles, I don't care what it takes, but there has to be a cure. Find it. If we have go into hell to get it, so be it." she commanded, and then her tone took on a slight joking, indifferent tone as she added, "I've been there before, not really a devil party as promised in the brochures." Giles nodded gravely and headed to the school library. As he was leaving, Joyce came in. She asked where everybody was, and he told her the room numbers. She thanked him and hurried upstairs. Their conversations continued to be a bit strained after the 'band candy incident,' with both of them wanting to forget what had happened, and still being unable to. Buffy got up as she saw her mom hurry to her. She went over, and the two embraced. Buffy bit her lip, but then starting crying again anyway.   
"Shh, shh, honey. It'll be alright." Joyce soothed her worried daughter, as she stroked her blond hair reassuringly. Buffy backed away from her.  
"No, it won't. It's not going to be all right ever," she replied gravely.  



	7. Chapter 6

In the nightmare landscape Xander's mind had become, he screamed as he felt another piece of him be ripped off of him. He was being held down, tied in vines covered with thorns, surrounded by creeping darkness. Blood tickled freely from the numerous pricks of skin on his limbs. However, compared with the agony he felt, the thorns were a minor nuisance in comparison. His dark, till now hidden self, strolled up to him.  
"Admit it, you scrawny fool. I'm growing stronger, and the goody two shoes you are is weakening further. Which is pathetic considering how weak you were anyway. Actually you should be grateful for this. I'm going to see to it you get everything you yearned for. Deadboy dusted. Wolfboy neutered. And the Slayer... Oh, she's such a great piece of ass. I don't know why you let her go. You should have just took her. I hear she likes it rough anyway." the dark Xander chortled. Xander's eyes narrowed.   
"Shut up you bastard. You don't know her. You are not me!"  
"Ooh, I hit a nerve. Well, you do have some fire left. Good. We're supposed to work together anyway. I am you. A superior you. I haven't had fun like this since that old hyena wanted us to play. Running with the pack, no, leading the pack." his other self strutted back and forth before him, savoring his sentences like a fine wine, " See, you're meant to be the leader. The alpha male. Yet, you always let Buffy and Willow whip you like the scared puppy you are. Pathetic." He shook his head in disgust.  
"No, he isn't. You are." another voice answered. A female one. Xander turned and looked, but the figure was too bright for him to see clearly. Their body glowed gold rays of sunlight, and their head was surrounded in flames. A guardian angel?  
"Hey, get out of here! This is my domain!" the dark Xander commanded.   
"No, it's Xander's. You are not him. Leave demon!" the angel's voice sternly ordered as she stepped closer to Xander. Her breath was a cool breeze that eased his wounds. Who was she? And why did her voice sound so familiar?  
"Demon! Oh, that's a good one! Demons are nothing to me. And newsflash, bitch, I am Xander. His true self, you could say." he laughed again, and gestured to Xander. Xander screamed again as his soul continued to be rent in two. However, as another piece left him, he felt something bright. Something reassuring him that he could stop this. He had the power to end this pain. He willed the brightness outward, and then the thorns around him vanished. He stood up, and saw he was now clad in silver armor. When Angelus was around, tormenting them, he had called Xander, "Buffy's White Knight." Now he had become one. An armor that shone brighter than most stars adorned him. Then a sword appeared in his hand, and somehow he knew how to wield it. Not just as a weapon, but as an extension of his arm. The knowledge almost sang in his blood. Interestingly enough, it looked the same as the one Buffy had used to impale Angelus. The dark Xander turned around, and his eyes widened in surprise.  
"Well, Sir Xander in a can. But you are still a fool." the dagger that originally started this, then appeared in his hand. He was now clad in armor, not just black, the metal seem to suck all light in, and give none off. A black hole manifested. He pointed it at Xander, and the pain was now of flames, heating the metal, and cooking his flesh. He screamed in agony. Then, the bright figure stepped in front of him, bearing a jug of water. He turned to look at her, and he then recognized her.   
"Willow?" he whispered.  
She smiled warmly, and poured the jug over him, extinguishing the flames. She then bent down and kissed his fevered brow. Her lips were soft, and cool, like gentle snowflakes. He looked up at her as she backed away, still smiling at him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a flash of movement.  
"Willow, look out!" he cried, and as she turned, the other Xander plunged the dagger into her breast, and twisted it savagely before withdrawing it.  



	8. Chapter 7

"Noooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed, and as his energy returned, he got up, and picked up Willow's body. Her blood seeped out, staining her garments and tarnishing his armor. He didn't care though. "Come on, hold on, please don't leave me. I love you." His hand smoothed back a few strands that lay over her eyes.  
She smiled, and said, "I know. I'll never leave you. I am you after all."  
"What?" he asked in shock.  
She explained, "This is your mind's way of representing this side of yourself. That, and you and Willow have always been a part of each other. She.......,"her eyes changed, and suddenly it was Willow in his arms, dying, whispering, "I love you. Fight back, Xander. I believe in you." She struggled to get in breath, despite the blood filling her lungs, and trickling out of her mouth. She inhaled once more, only to make gurgling noises in her throat, and then he felt her go limp.  
"No, Willow! No, please, don't go." he cried as he shook her lightly as though to wake her.  
"Oh, boo-hoo! Whiny fool crying over that mousy thing? Hah! She's nothing." the other Xander sneered at him.  
Xander looked up at him, and the other Xander suddenly grew afraid of the expression in his eyes. The inner strength that burned there, the till now hidden potential for courage. Xander then said in a low voice that echoed with power, and it did not sound like his own, "No, she is everything. You. Are. Nothing!!!" With a battle cry, he rushed toward him. The other Xander brought the dagger up to parry, and the sound of clashing metal reverberated across the plains. The two circled each other, then a thrust here, blocked; a stab there, parried. Back and forth, the pair dueled. Light and dark, good and evil personified. And thunder rang in the virtual sky overhead. Then, Xander managed to knock the dagger away, and bring the sword to the other Xander's throat.  
However, before he could go in for the killing blow, the other Xander than scoffed, "Fine, kill me. But know this. You kill me. You become me. So do it! Save me the trouble." He gave a harsh laugh.  
Xander shook his head, "No, you are me. However, I can bury you." He gave a large shout, and then drove the sword deep into the ground. The earth split and an abyss appeared in the widening crack. The other Xander looked down at his feet where the fissure was widening, his legs straddling the divide.  
"No! No! No!" he shrieked as the fissure widened past his feet, and he fell through. As his screams faded, the ground then remerged together. Xander fell to his knees and panted a bit, tired from the exertion. He blinked in surprise as Willow walked toward him.  
"I thought you died."  
She shook her head, "I am you. I cannot be killed. Just like you saw that your dark side couldn't be destroyed. Only locked away. Look." she then gestured to the wound in his chest. He looked down, to find it gone, with just clean, healthy skin in its place.   
"I'm cured then?"   
"Of that affliction, yes. For now. But the curse is such that the pain never leaves, not entirely. But you can conquer it as you learned. As for the rest, well, that is something must always be dealt. Everyone has their demons. Even those who don't live on the Hellmouth." She smiled. "I'll see you soon, my love." Then, she bent down, and kissed him lightly on the lips. She backed away slowly as he looked at her with wonder. She then vanished from his view. He blinked as his surroundings brightened around him. He shut his eyes closed for a moment, and then opened them again.   



	9. Chapter 8

He gazed up at the hospital walls, a bit surprised. The earlier times he was awake, had become vague pain-laced dreams. By the nearby window, he saw it was nighttime. He wondered how long he had been out. He got up out of bed, noting the stiffness in his joints. Either from him thrashing around in his sleep, just being bed-ridden so long, or possibly both. He stumbled out into the hall, seeing the hallways were clear. Just the graveyard shift was left. Most of the staff had gone home to be on-call. He went down the hall, till he came to Willow's room. His heart leapt in his throat at the sight of her, so pale. But she was alive, and he was grateful for that. Though, he hadn't seen her this haggard since last spring when she was in the coma. He pulled a chair up and sat beside like he had done then. His hand reached out, and he stroked her cheek tenderly.  
"Déjà vu all over again," he murmured softly, "We really have to stop meeting like this. Not healthy." he said with a dry chuckle. "Come back to me. I miss you. I love you." He then got up, and kissed her gently on the forehead. She stirred, murmuring softly.  
She could hear someone speaking to her. It sounded familiar. She heard them say, "I love you." She heard those words before, coming from this voice. Oz? No, it didn't sound like Oz, though she remembered thinking it was him when she heard that phrase. But there was someone else in the room when she awoke then. It was...Xander? Did Xander say he loves her? But that couldn't be. He would have told her if that was true... but what if he did? Her eyes slowly opened, and as they came into focus, she could see Xander's face smiling over her. Xander? Was this a dream? But she could feel his hand holding hers, and it was warm. Then the recent events crashed through her mind. No, he died! But here he is, hovering over her. Did she die then? And he's waiting to take her into heaven? Maybe that's it. But being dead wouldn't hurt so much? Because you're dead, and you wouldn't feel your body anymore, right?  
"Willow? You awake?" he asked. Willow blinked slowly at him.  
"Am I dreaming?" she asked in disbelief.  
"No," he grinned.  
"Are you a ghost?"  
"No."  
"Am I dead then?"  
"No. You look pretty lively to me." he chuckled a little as he stroked her cheek.  
"But...." and then her mind came into full focus, "Xander, you're alive?!?" She then reached up, and hugged him tightly.  
"Ooof! Uh, yeah. Though I might not be for long. Need air!" he gasped out through his crushed lungs.   
She quickly let go, "Oh, sorry. But I saw you get killed. With that knife. And..." She stared at him in confusion.  
"I didn't die. I almost did, but you saved me." he smiled warmly. Willow then noticed how much he had aged recently.  
"What happened to you?"  
"Uh, kind of beat myself up. You should see the other me."  
"What?" she asked, a puzzled expression on her face.  
"Um, long story. I'll tell you later. One to tell the grandkids." he joked, "I better go, before one of those police wannabes catch me out of bed. See you soon." He then went to get up, and gasped at a jolt of pain that shot up his leg. He gritted his teeth, and clutched the chair so tightly, his knuckles were white.  
"Xander? You okay?"  
"I will be." As the pain subsided, he limped out to the doorway.  
Willow then remembered something he said before, "Xander?"  
He turned, "Yeah."  
"That was you, wasn't it? That night we were in the hospital when Angelus was awaking Acathla? You said that you loved me."  
Xander smiled, "I didn't say I loved you." Her face fell at this. He went on, "I said I _love_ you. Always have." As soon as he declared it, he realized how true it was. How much she was a part of his life, and how much he wanted it that way. For them to always be together.  
Tears of joy appeared in her eyes, "I love you, Xander."  
"I know." he said, and headed back to his room. The pain was gone.  



	10. Epilogue and Author Notes

Two weeks later, the Scooby Gang sat in the library in discussion. Giles was still non-plussed at Xander's rapid recovery from the cursed Dagger of Malechior.  
"Giles, what's there to say? Nothing can stop the Xanderizer. I just keep going and going."  
"Or at least your mouth does." Buffy said as she playfully punched him. "Glad you're here to stay though." she added.  
"Hey, easy. My war wounds are still healing," he said in a mock hurt tone. Willow was close by him. She had finally had strength to let go of Oz, and follow her heart. Her dreams had been odd of late, seeing Xander fighting a twisted version of himself, and her dressed in white. She wasn't sure what they meant, but when she told Xander about them, he just said that he already knew of them, and this just meant they supposed to be together. However, he promised to explain more to her eventually, when he was fully recovered.  
"Hey, that was nothing. I mean, we've taken on the Master and the Judge, we're ready for anything." Willow said.  
Giles frowned, "It's just that going over my notes, I find the whole thing odd. Someone had deliberately targeted you, Xander. And this is highly unusual for even most demons. Whoever it was, is someone we must be wary of. The weapon could not have been easy to find. It's said to have disappeared into the Sargasso Sea sometime during the Renaissance." he tapped his glasses in thought as he was apt to do when he was doing some heavy pondering.  
"Gee, I feel special." Xander sarcastically said. "On another enemy list. I should feel honored."  
"Xander, this is serious! How much do you remember of the attack?"  
He blinked, "Not that much. Just some undead guy lunging for me with the knife." He then frowned in thought. "Wait. I think he yelled something. Um...."  
"It was "Vengeance for the Master." Willow quietly said, and then asked, "But why Xander? Buffy was the one who killed him."  
Buffy then added, "Yeah, but I wouldn't have..... if Xander hadn't saved me." She glanced at Xander, and then turned to Giles, "But only us and Angel know about that. How could he have known?"  
"Yes, that is strange, unless. Angel's sire was that female vampire. I believe her name was Darla." Giles said thoughtfully. Buffy nodded in agreement. "And I think remember her mention in the Diaries as being close to the Master. He might have been her sire even. And if so, there is a bond between vampires and those they sire. Especially among the older, more powerful vampires. Perhaps, the Master might still feel a link with Angel, and he could have discovered Xander's rescue of you through Angel."  
"But the Master is dead, isn't he? I made sure. His corpse is powder."   
"Yes, he can't come back to Earth. But when vampires are staked, the demon inside returns to Hell. Sometimes. Again, he was a very powerful creature, so he may yet exist. And that could mean your life is in danger, Xander."  
"Whoa, wait. No, no. I'm not running for my life just because some demon refuses to stay dead and wants to come after me? That's not happening." he shook his head vehemently.  
"Giles, we'll keep an ear to the ground. But let's not go Conspiracy Theory paranoid yet, ok?" Buffy said.  
"Very well then." he said, and the group got ready to head to their respective classes. Giles then said, "There is one thing. About the Dagger, " he paused, and the trio looked at him expectantly, "it is also said that no more mere mortal is able to be freed of the curse."  
"Uh, first time for everything?" Xander commented hopefully.  
Giles' mouth tweaked upward slightly, "Perhaps." As the students left, he then added in a quieter tone, "Perhaps not. Xander, you may be more unique then you know." He softly said to himself. "Maybe I should check the Codex again. I might have missed a prophecy." He then turned to his books.  
Under the Watcher's feet, on the other side of the Hellmouth, you could almost hear the shouts of furious rage.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
THE END (or is it?)  
  
Author notes: An unusual story, yes? This sucker kind of popped into my head one night, and over a weekend, it bloomed into this. I admit the twists and turns were surprising even to me as I was writing them. Spooky, eh? There may be a sequel in this, I don't know if I'll ever have the chance to write it though. Just using this tale as a suggestion that Xander may also be a bit unusual in his own way in the Slayerettes. And the show I think has hinted at the possibility of such. Relax, no Xander=Immortal. That's been done to death. The other possibilities for this are intriguing though. I got inspired with the recent episodes of the Wish and Doppergangland, with the vamp X/W. I found the idea of an evil Xander interesting, but without wanting to go to the usual evil twin route. So, I figured to go a more psychological bent. Everyone has indeed their own inner demons to compete against. What was Xander's? Maybe part of his father's alcoholic persona that he had inherited? In later stories, I may go into this more. After all, the curse is really in submission. Xander's going to have deal with this for a long time. Maybe all of his life. But then we all have struggles that we must face everyday, don't we? Hope you enjoyed the story. Feel free to drop your comments and criticisms at my doorstep. Flames you may direct to that brick wall next to me.   
-Whisper2AScream  
6/13/99  
  



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